kudos to you if you read this whole thing... guess i needed to rant.
there are way too many thoughts running through my head on any given day. i swear i wish there were a tape recorder up there. cause i had so many profound thoughts in the midst of my funk today and i'm sure i'm going to screw it all up now.
rinse lather repeat. that's how i feel today. get up, do my hair, do my makeup, and for what? for who? sit at work, stare at the screen, pass the time and eat the candy from the giant basket on my desk. drive. sit in traffic. curse the rain. kill time before class. class. drive. and 13.5 hours later i'm home, exhausted, ready to putz around online, watch tv, and go to bed. only to do it all again. rinse. lather. repeat.
there's got to be more to it, right? i don't understand people who spend their whole lives doing shit jobs that they hate. people with no friends, no hobbies, no extracurricular activities. some days, like today, i get in a mood and i just feel like i'm wasting my life away, waiting for the next best thing, waiting for life to get "good". but it's not all bad, really. i have friends, we hang out alot. my family is close and i get to spend time with them too. my job isn't the best, but the people i work with are cool (except on days like today when i'm alone in the office). and school can be tedious, but it can also be really enriching. still, i have this desire for more.
sometimes i wonder if i'll ever feel satisfied. on one hand, only fools are satisfied. if i allow myself to be satisfied, i might stop striving for more. i might get in a rut. i might become too comfortable for my own good and stop growing as a person. but it sure would be nice to just feel content for a little while. or at least partially content. content and satisfied with SOME aspect of my life. i guess i do, sort of. my friends here in chicago are really fantastic and i'm loving spending time with them. basically any point of my day that i'm NOT hanging out with my friends is just mediocre.
and even then, so my friends are the best part of my life right now. but isn't that even a little... trivial? i know it's not, but what is my time with my friends doing for the world? i want to change the world, i want to impact lives, i want to give something back, i want to make a difference. (nothing like shooting for the moon here, eh?) for a few minutes in my car today i sort of felt guilty about having such a good time with my friends. almost like the pleasure of it was sinful. who am i to spend my time drinking at the bar and going to sports game and movies and concerts with my friends, laughing and having a grand ol' time, when there are people in the world who don't have the capacity for pleasure? shouldn't i be doing something more for the world?
but of course, God wants me to be happy. i really do believe he is pleased with me and my life, and likes seeing me have fun with my friends. isn't that what it's all about? love? isn't that the point of life? i think so.
but where is God in my life anyway? i think i forget how to pray. the past few times i've been to church, and even just gone INTO a church with a friend, it feels so good. peaceful. right. i desire that community so badly. i just don't know how to get there for myself. it feels too far away.
back to love... i feel like this is a movie quote, but i can't figure out what it's from: "why do we think falling in love is going to be so great? maybe because it is." am i making this up, or does it sound familiar to anyone else? and i do have love, from my family and so so many friends who i'm grateful for. why isn't that ever enough for me? why do i want more so badly?
i've learned that i'm a community oriented person. i want the church community. the dance community. the writing community. i want to feel a part of something. i so look forward to being a professor and creating a safe space in my classroom for people to share their writing and their lives. i want to connect with people and help them connect with each other. and being in a community with the other teachers, with an area church, who knows what else. but will that be enough? i still have to go home at the end of the day. i hope i find someone to go home to.
i want to enjoy my life here and now. i hate feeling like i'm waiting for my life to begin, because my life is HERE. this is it. the only chance i've got. how can i waste even a single second of it? i want to love this transitional phase as much as what comes next.
rinse lather repeat. that's how i feel today. get up, do my hair, do my makeup, and for what? for who? sit at work, stare at the screen, pass the time and eat the candy from the giant basket on my desk. drive. sit in traffic. curse the rain. kill time before class. class. drive. and 13.5 hours later i'm home, exhausted, ready to putz around online, watch tv, and go to bed. only to do it all again. rinse. lather. repeat.
there's got to be more to it, right? i don't understand people who spend their whole lives doing shit jobs that they hate. people with no friends, no hobbies, no extracurricular activities. some days, like today, i get in a mood and i just feel like i'm wasting my life away, waiting for the next best thing, waiting for life to get "good". but it's not all bad, really. i have friends, we hang out alot. my family is close and i get to spend time with them too. my job isn't the best, but the people i work with are cool (except on days like today when i'm alone in the office). and school can be tedious, but it can also be really enriching. still, i have this desire for more.
sometimes i wonder if i'll ever feel satisfied. on one hand, only fools are satisfied. if i allow myself to be satisfied, i might stop striving for more. i might get in a rut. i might become too comfortable for my own good and stop growing as a person. but it sure would be nice to just feel content for a little while. or at least partially content. content and satisfied with SOME aspect of my life. i guess i do, sort of. my friends here in chicago are really fantastic and i'm loving spending time with them. basically any point of my day that i'm NOT hanging out with my friends is just mediocre.
and even then, so my friends are the best part of my life right now. but isn't that even a little... trivial? i know it's not, but what is my time with my friends doing for the world? i want to change the world, i want to impact lives, i want to give something back, i want to make a difference. (nothing like shooting for the moon here, eh?) for a few minutes in my car today i sort of felt guilty about having such a good time with my friends. almost like the pleasure of it was sinful. who am i to spend my time drinking at the bar and going to sports game and movies and concerts with my friends, laughing and having a grand ol' time, when there are people in the world who don't have the capacity for pleasure? shouldn't i be doing something more for the world?
but of course, God wants me to be happy. i really do believe he is pleased with me and my life, and likes seeing me have fun with my friends. isn't that what it's all about? love? isn't that the point of life? i think so.
but where is God in my life anyway? i think i forget how to pray. the past few times i've been to church, and even just gone INTO a church with a friend, it feels so good. peaceful. right. i desire that community so badly. i just don't know how to get there for myself. it feels too far away.
back to love... i feel like this is a movie quote, but i can't figure out what it's from: "why do we think falling in love is going to be so great? maybe because it is." am i making this up, or does it sound familiar to anyone else? and i do have love, from my family and so so many friends who i'm grateful for. why isn't that ever enough for me? why do i want more so badly?
i've learned that i'm a community oriented person. i want the church community. the dance community. the writing community. i want to feel a part of something. i so look forward to being a professor and creating a safe space in my classroom for people to share their writing and their lives. i want to connect with people and help them connect with each other. and being in a community with the other teachers, with an area church, who knows what else. but will that be enough? i still have to go home at the end of the day. i hope i find someone to go home to.
i want to enjoy my life here and now. i hate feeling like i'm waiting for my life to begin, because my life is HERE. this is it. the only chance i've got. how can i waste even a single second of it? i want to love this transitional phase as much as what comes next.
posted by KTB at
9:33 PM
1 Comments:
kate...i DID want to read the whole thing, and now i just want to teleport myself home for a day spent with you over good coffee in a cozy cafe. i'd want to talk about all of those thoughts and everything you're processing and everything i'm processing...and then we could process some more. strangely, i just had a conversation last night with a friend here about standing still, or feeling stagnant. i didn't know it, but coming to YWAM was exactly what i needed to get me out of my world and into THE world. i sure don't have answers yet (besides God), but i do as heck want to go after them. i'm with ya. life is better in community. i hope you find it soon, love. and i miss you. a lot. come to perth and we'll go to the beach and make it all better:)
love you!
molly
By
molly madonna, at 4:29 AM
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